Name of Person Reporting Incident:
Manon Bogerd Wada
Location of Incident:
San Jose, California
Time/ Date of Incident:
Memorial Day Weekend 2016
Circumstances of Incident:
- Discrimination based on: race, gender, ethnicity, ancestry
- Event by type: harassment in a public place, acts of violence by someone you know
Description of the Incident:
My partner at the time and I went to a BBQ to hang out with his cousin and her family. I’d met them once but briefly. His cousin was really sweet and had invited us to stay the night. She has two children who are both hapa, like myself, so my ethnicity came up. Once the BBQ wound down, her husband and his friend– both white males –wanted my partner and I to go with them to a local bar. As we were walking there, I was talking to the ‘friend’ and he called me a ‘Jap’ and a ‘halfie,’ multiple times, as if it was a hilarious joke. It came out of nowhere so I was stunned and didn’t know what to say. My partner traded spots with me and started talking to the ‘friend,’ while I spoke with the husband of his cousin. At the bar, the husband started talking trash about my partner– who was playing pool with his friend and beyond earshot. Then he started hitting on me. The night was going south fast so I thought about an exit strategy but also didn’t want to cause drama for my partner. I felt trapped because we couldn’t drive back to SF, but was confident we could keep them in check if it escalated– my partner knew Muay Thai and I could get scrappy if need be. The next morning, the husband went out of his way to make me coffee, acting like nothing had happened. My partner and I played with the kids a little bit and said bye to his cousin. Once in my car, I drove us out of there like bats out of hell.
What have you thought about since the incident took place?
I’ve thought about how the two of them felt entitled to behave this way because of my gender and ethnicity but also because my partner was not white. I’ve thought of what I could’ve or should’ve said but didn’t have the words for in that moment. It’s made me think of other times I’ve found myself at this intersection of gendered racist violence. And I’ve wondered if my partner’s cousin knew how her husband masks himself and about the environment around those two kids.
How were you affected by what happened?
It made me feel unsafe and gross. It made me consider the violence in language posed as jokes, the entanglement of gendered racism– which is confusing when it hits you because it comes from multiple angles, and then how it accumulates.
Who else was affected by what happened and how?
My partner at the time was affected. I know he’s dealt with scenarios of similar caliber in the past while growing up and with extended family, and it makes him angry.
What do you think needs to happen to make things as right as possible?
The two of them need to get help– a behavior intervention plan needs to be put in place so the husband doesn’t traumatize his children.
What do you need for your healing?
I blocked out that night and hadn’t thought about it in a long time so I’m not sure. Taking the time to write it down now has given me some perspective to sort through what happened. It’s made me think about being vocally active when in another situation of this kind but paired with an exit strategy in my back pocket at all times to implement immediately and not question its necessity.
